This story-slash-list (yes, I just spelled out slash) was originally posted on FB in 2006, but I don’t like Facebook anymore so now it’s here. Hurray!
I’m doing this under duress, which is to say that plausible deniability is 90% semantics. Ken Parisi made me do it. Bastard.
1. I’ve broken my pelvis, arm, nose, wrist, thumb, ribs, a few toes, both feet, an ankle, had one concussion, knocked the vitreous gel sacks off both eyes, had 10 root canals, one dental implant, torn my rotator cuff, punctured both eardrums and basically mangled the body my mother and god gave me in innumerable ways. Despite this, I can still kick your ass.
2. When I was a kid, a very logical series of events led to me attacking a bee hive box with a hammer (okay, I didn’t know it was a bee hive) and the inevitable retaliation. There were many, many stings. On the plus side, I now know I’m not allergic to bees. In college, I walked into a swarm of bees wearing a ski suit and a beerball over my head. “I’m back…”
3. I’ve written three novels, three screenplays and a lot of other crap that will never see the light of day. Thank God. Alamost all the people who’ve read any of them are on this list, which means they are kind, forgiving human beings and you should send them money or sweet corn tomalito. Mostly money.
4. I secretly belive that I am destined for both greatness and doom, which shall in all likelihood coincide in a single self-abnegating moment — call it a quantum of solace. I dare you — that shall be infinitely insignificant but none-the-less noteworthy for its brevity, concision, and grammatical correctness. Johnny Depp made a similar declaration and all he got was half a map and a wet dingy.
5. I once wrote a tiny little poem about the bacteria that break down oil slicks while tripping on Cat Stevens. It started like this: “Beta metha branched hydrocarbons eat pseudomonads, but where to do the cyclics play?” and so on. I used this line at a bar on a girl in the petrochemical industry. It worked. That would be the only time.
6. I also broke a more private part of my anatomy. Only two or three people know about this in detail, or the ensuing pandemonium. It’s better that way.
7. I secretly want to live in the world of the Outcast video “Fresh and Clean” where I am, in fact, that funky fresh and spanky clean. Ain’t nobody dope as me.
8. My dad’s parental incompetence, negligence and all-around malfeasance makes me want to be a great father. If I had kids. Well, whatever. I also wrote a poem about that, but that’s not really suitable for publication.
9. My mother broke her leg skiing with me once, and then skied down the hill on her shattered patella thinking it was a “strain”. I tried to make her happy in the hospital by riffing on all the times I’d been in the hospital (see #1) only the realize when she broke into tears that I had never told her all those things. Sorry mom. You rock.
10. My ex wife can kick your ass or, if not, make you happy to have had your ass almost kicked. She can also talk to rocks. The rocks will enjoy it. Some of the rocks will sing. It’s a gift I can’t even fathom but admire from a distance much as I used to watch the Bulls. She is the Michael Jordan of joyous garrulosity. Vitamin Bomba, baby!
11. I love skiing fresh untracked powder on a blue sky day more than almost anything on earth, which doesn’t make me unique so much as sane. I’ve also had frostbite on nine toes, seriously on two. This is recent. And cool. Which for some reason reminds me of the fact that I don’t trust John Krakower but love Jon Stuart. Maybe I am gay.
12. I had to pause here because I don’t think I have anything more interesting to say.
13. I’m drunk. Which, if you know me, takes some doing.
14. I’m very good at everything the first time I do it, then suck immediately afterward. Is there a word for this? More importantly, is there a cure?
15. I want to lead a rebel force into Zimbabwe and dethrone Mugabe, liberate the farmers and save the world. Barring that, I’d like to drive a Maserati into a wall at 180mph to see if the airbags work.
16. I can eat an unlimited amount of ice cream. Except vanilla. It’s my kryptocream. Which actually sounds nasty enough to be self-fulfilling.
17. Someday I want to do stand up comedy once. If I survive, twice. If they pay me, three times. If they pay me a lot, four. If girls throw their panties, five. If they’re cute, six. Seven if I get a get a appearance on the Colbert Report. And eight, eight, I forget what 8 was for…
18. I’m a romantic and love falling in love. I don’t think that makes me gay, but if it does it also makes me a woman and a lipstick lesbian, so cool. I am Shawna’s Sapphic spleen…
19. I have a hard time with moderation. I figure if you’re going to do something, you should do all of it and then lick the plate until the porcelain cracks. While not always wise, it does make your tongue quite muscular and pointy. Which helps when the next plate comes along. Made in China? Just you shut your mouth…
20. The second time I went sky-diving, my chute didn’t open all the way and we had to deploy the spare. Aside from being a great story, it was one of the few times I remember being fully alive and excited. Not scared. Not worried. Just totally alive. Now that I think about it, that was a great weekend all around. Thanks, John! There’s nothing like watching the planet rise up to smite you that brings you, well, down to earth. I’m sure there’s irony in there somewhere. Damn it.
21. I don’t want to grow old. I want to spontaneously combust or, at the very least, have a heart attack while doing a naked mute grab 60 feet over fresh pow on a bright antarctic morning. Barring that, immortality will do. Yes, I am the highlander.
22. After the Trinity test, Oppenheimer quoted BG by saying, “I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” I hope when I really screw up, I have a good quote handy.
23. I love mispronouncing words in inappropriate ways. Non-sequiter is much better as Nancy Queeter. I think Abby Normal said that.
24. When I was very, very young, I totally freaked out about the heat death of the universe. I was watching some’ Nova special or something on our 13″ B&W TV with UHF when I realized that we were all doomed to a slow decay into an inescapable state of hot iron and brown dwarves. A universe full of invisible black dwarves. Damn. That still freaks me out. I think the E-Trade baby would totally puke in agreement at this point.
25. There has not been a moment in my entire life when I have not censored myself. Someday I hope insanity, power, love or a massive car accident changes that. Until then, Garp out…